The Path to Inner Peace

How do you ground yourself? Where do you go to let go? 

For someone who internalizes everything and has issues letting go of unfortunate events – it can be really hard to find that mental sweet spot. That place in our minds where we can really connect with how we’re feeling, process what’s happening and make rational decisions. It’s been a long and bumpy road to attaining my personal inner peace – but I do not doubt my journey, nor what mistakes I may learn from along the way. For anyone else like me who struggles with getting rid of the looming sadness, agitation, irritability, frustration, anger and hatred that consumes your mind-body on the daily…I FEEL YOU. 

 

– Fight or Flight –

I feel most of us choose flight. It’s easier to avoid things we don’t want to deal with — I always felt comfortable taking the flight path. People would leave me alone, I wouldn’t get myself into the same situations that caused me discomfort or stress. I was able to sleep days away and make excuses for why I couldn’t attest to any responsibility. It was my way of not dealing with my issues – like many others. It is the cowards path, what ultimately breeds a loser — in my opinion. Now I choose fight, and not in the aggressive manner like I did when I was a child an adolescent. Fighting when I was younger was a skill I learned, thanks to the environment I was raised in. I adopted the flight path in my late teens, and in my early 20’s I am now finally learning to balance the two. 

– The Dojo –

If it weren’t for the existence of the Dojo, I strongly feel I would either A) be doomed to a life of worry, discomfort, avoidance, denial and impulsive behaviour.. or B) be locked in a cell until I commit suicide or die on death row, for reenacting the crimes of my favourite serial killers. The Dojo is my sanctuary. It’s one of the only places I truly feel safe. It has taught me how to connect with and ground myself. It’s taught me self-discipline and the ability to defend myself. For not the existence of the Dojo I would have no place to release all my pent up anger. It’s not only a place to erase my hate, but a place to – in a healthy way (to the healthiest I can make it), act out my sick fantasies. How sick can I really be? There’s definitely worse out there – directors of snuff porn to say the least. I enjoy hurting people, I enjoy fighting. When someone wrongs me, it feels really good to get physical with them. Whether that be yelling and name-calling, or whacking their head into a wall and repeatedly kicking them in the face. Through counselling, I’ve learned to be assertive vs aggressive and set healthy boundaries. Getting in trouble with the law enough times has taught me to keep my hands to myself but no matter how many times I go to the gym, walk my dog and cuddle her, call crisis, journal or colour mandalas I STILL CRAVE TO HURT THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME…is this normal? I’m aware there’s a gap in my logic..but people waste time playing war/basher games, gossiping/being passive-aggressive/emotionally abusive, and self-destructing themselves…what’s really the difference in beating the shit out of someone in the ring..even so the thought of wanting to beat someone senseless in your own home. Is it just me..?

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Dreamland

I fucking hate dreamland. Lately it’s been nothing but a dark abyss that scares the shit out of me – totally awaiting the day I wake up with shit in my underwear.

Dreamland usually leaves me feeling helpless or guilty. All the dispelled useless waste that presents itself in dreamland makes me wonder, what the fuck is going on in my subconscious mind…what if dreamland is a reality too…?

My reoccuring dream as of 2 years keeps expanding and morphing into different things while keeping the baseline – I’m running for my life in my old house in Kitchener while a group of men are chasing me, trying to gang rape me. I have the ability to go invisible when I believe I’m in control of my environment. Once I freak out and lose control I am visible again, and the only thing I can rely on is my speed and ability to crawl through the walls. I am thin and feeble in my dreams, I am always helpess, until I become aware.

— LUCID DREAMING —

Awareness in dreamland has caused me control over myself and my environment – I can attain invisibility, I can run, I can fight, I can reconnect..talk and gain advice with Sylvie. My amethyst presents itself. I am freed from the gang rapers..and her. Why is she still in control of my dreamland..? It’s been 6 fucking years and she still presents herself. WHY AM I STILL AFRAID OF YOU? You pose no threat to me now, I have grown..no matter how many people you get involved. Once she is whole in my dreams, the gang rapers are on her side, they morph into women. I don’t think I’ve gotten over what happened, when you jumped me, when he abused me. It’s one big sick twisted false reality based on what I cannot let go.

I thank reality, for pulling me from dreamland’s trauma. Here, I can thrive.

Family Incest

Simply put..my father molested me, and sexually exploited me from when I was a baby until 7 years old. It has affected me beyond words can sum. I am here to talk about my trauma, not specifically..but how it has impacted me. How it’s impacting others today. What people should do to open their eyes to lend a hand and end the stigma behind sexual abuse. I will mostly talk personally about how my trauma “ruins my life” today. If vulgarity, incest, obscene jokes and fantasy of death offend you..fuck off.

  • Yelhsa